At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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