in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
