Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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