And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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