I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
