Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
