I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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