So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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