True but thats because hes a fetus.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
