I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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