can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
