a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
