Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
