There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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