youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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