I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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