I am puke
is wine microwaveable?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
