we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just pee around me
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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