gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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