Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Dignity is for republicans.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
