Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
