I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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