Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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