i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
