How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
