Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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