I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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