thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
