The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
