He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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