She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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