I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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