so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
