Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm passing your future prison.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
