You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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