I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
