My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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