i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So here I am, sexting at work.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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