My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
