This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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