Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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