before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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