My sheets look like a crime scene.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
