Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize