mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
