My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
