I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
