her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
