HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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