We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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