All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
