mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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