I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
