I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
