So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
