I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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