so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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