The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
