i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
if only i could text you this smell
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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