Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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